Inside looking out

Wipe Out!

2009-10-14T11:07:00.007-06:00

Did you miss me? I have been away for a while, but not so long that my cookies expired and I had to look up my log in. ;) Where to begin?

Have you ever felt your life going through a complete shift? This Summer and Fall found me, against my will, dealing with the most incredible wave of things going sideways. Nothing dreadful has happened, this was/is all going on in the mental plane. I went from feeling like I was riding high on my board in the sun on top of a killer wave, to suddenly being dragged and pulled under and in a million wrong directions - it wiped me out completely.

I couldn't breathe, literally. I made an announcement to anyone who would listen in the middle of Summer that I was going on hiatus... and that is exactly what I did. Went to the pool, took a girl trip or two (alone) read books, watched movies, and stopped writing. I was giving myself a much needed break, well, as much of a break as is possible with a marriage, 4 kids, 2 businesses, 2 dogs, some neglected fish, and a very messy house.

All things being relative, my hiatus worked. I am renewed and feeling clear headed and relaxed. My 2 month hiatus caused a change in our home routine, and now I spend a lot less time at my desk. I didn't realize how much time I actually did spend working, or preparing to work, or learning about something related to work... all at my desk.

I have been enjoying the newly discovered use of boundaries, and realizing that I can say no. That I am actually in control of what I do and don't do, and also seeing relationships much more clearly. Weeding my Garden, as my friend K would say. Pruning out the junk to make room for all the good stuff to grow. Simplifying.

And so now I am here, (at my desk) but not working. I have missed writing, in my core I have yearned to write. I have lots of things to write about... I hope you're willing to tag along!

2009-08-10T16:42:00.001-06:00

On the way to school

2009-07-23T10:49:00.001-06:00

2009-07-23T10:44:00.001-06:00

2009-07-17T20:31:00.001-06:00

2009-07-08T23:52:00.001-06:00

2009-07-02T16:27:00.001-06:00

Puppies!

2009-07-01T14:48:00.002-06:00

puppysitting.

My daughter and I are loving this! My friend has two morkie puppies for sale, and we are sitting them while they are out of town. 3 months old, and just the SWEETEST things! :)

Anyone in a service business will appreciate this...

2009-06-18T21:36:00.009-06:00

When I am not wearing my Rowan Tree hat, I am a graphic designer. I run a small studio out of my home. I do it to keep my kids in their preschool, I do it because I like it, and I do it because I can. I am lucky to have a thriving little (tiny) gig of my own.

I cater to smaller businesses. Small businesses, especially start-ups, tend to be tight on cash... I get this. I am one of those myself.

And yet, I am amazed at how often I get a call asking for a bid on a job, and when I send my bid they accept but only with the caveat that we could cut the price somehow. Or, as one client asked me to do a job for 50% of the bid, but accept 25% in cash, and 25% in trade on something I could not even use if I wanted to!

If you can't do if yourself, then you need to hire someone. If you cannot do it yourself, but you need it... why do you feel entitled to a discount? If it is too pricey to hire me... then move on to the next guy. Do you give your time away? Are your business services free?

While looking over my accounts receivable tonight, wondering how I got to this point where I am owed more than I have been paid this year, I heard my husband playing this on his computer across the way... I had to share:

'nuff said.

Membership Campaign

2009-06-17T18:55:00.004-06:00

Hi everyone,

Please help us raise awareness for the work we are doing at Rowan Tree Foundation. We are working hard to reach 1,000 members on facebook, and can do it with your help.

Child death happens every single day, all over the world. Given the magnitude of occurrences, you'd think there would be equal levels of support responses from the communities of the world. You'd think that all medical professionals from obstetrics to peds would have had training in compassionate care-giving for the circumstances where a child dies. The reality is that its the luck of the draw as far as how your medical team is able to support you in your grief.

Rowan Tree Foundation is an all volunteer organization that works to support families after the death of a child during pregnancy, or after they are born. Isolation accompanies this sort of loss, and parents and friends need to know there is a place they can go to be heard, to read, to connect, and most of all, to realize they are not alone.

We're working this summer to increase our reach around the globe, and one of the ways we are connecting to new folks is through facebook. Please join our cause, and if you do not use facebook, go to our website at www.RowanTreeFoundation.org and subscribe to our newsletter. (We do not send spam or share your info.)

Coming in July we are having a contest giveaway that you're going to want to be in on. So, join us, and help spread the word.

Thank you!

Someone kissed the Blarney Stone... LOL!!

2009-06-05T23:52:00.003-06:00

Achievement!!

2009-05-28T18:03:00.005-06:00

Earlier this year I started my fitness transformation, and for the first time in my life dedicated myself to a real plan with two friends. As my results started to show and my energy shifted, a friend challenged me to try a 10k run. I thought sure, I am game! And as the days approached, I did not think I had it in me. I didn't sleep well the night before... and was so nervous on the ride to Boulder, CO.

The BolderBOULDER is one of the largest 10K races in the country, and WAHOO I DID IT!

I am totally stealing this pic until my prints arrive, lol. See all my pics here.

Here I am waving at the camera. ME173

Sex Offender Proximity Notification

2009-05-17T20:01:00.008-06:00

If you live near me in Colorado, please let me know if you want detailed information about this offender listing. If you live in CO, some of the information below will be pertinent to you. If you live in other states in the US, you might want to check your local county and state governments to see what the protocol is for notification in your area, find the websites you need, and bookmark them. I was pleasantly surprised.

Could you think of another legitimate email subject line that is more sinister?

I am glad. I am glad we have the technology that we do. I am happy there is a sex offender registry because I know that these cretins have been around as long as man has existed, and it is up to us to do what we can to protect ourselves and our children.

I am glad my county has an excellent reporting system, that we are using technology to be as proactive as possible in keeping people up to date. I am glad we have a (really nice) live person to talk to when you have questions about these creepy emails that come with links to the criminal's web post, listing his felony crimes, committed against a child this past March.

I do not pretend that I was somehow safer before he and his family moved in across the street. I do not pretend that being in a nice area of town somehow shields us for the world. We live in a scary world. It just sucks when the scary world comes too close for comfort and you have to scare the living daylights out of your innocent young children in an effort to keep them safe.

I am really bummed out. I just had to have an awful conversation about "bad strangers" with my kids during dinner. We have had this conversation before, in fact it is an ongoing dialog in safety and listening to mom and dad. But it has always been a little ambiguous, fuzzy details, and evil bad guys with dastardly smirks and greasy hair.

This past week everything has changed.

The email from the sheriff's office with that awful subject line arrived to tell us that a registered sex offender has moved in across the street, right across the street... paces away. In my neighborhood. On my block. Here. The flurry of emails from all of my neighbors was amazing.

I am angry. I am angry that my kids, at ages 8, 6, 5, 3, had to take that turn in their minds where "bad strangers" and "stranger danger" has taken shape into reality across the street. I am worried they will be up at night wondering. Looking out their window at the bad guy's house. If the 13 year old predator is coming to get them. Yes, he is 13.

I am worried. I am worried that my kids' minds would run amok with visions of this bad stranger. They have no idea about what a "sex offender" is, and we didn't go there with this one. We tried to stay as general as possible, talking about the things that bad strangers could do (take kids and steal them), and left it at that.

I am worried that we have done it wrong. That we have scared and scarred our children. I have shown them all the sex offender's picture from the county registry. He looks like a cool kid, someone my 8 year old would look up to. He is only 13 years old. 13.

I know it is a good lesson, I understand that they need to know. But I am angry that they chose our street and have caused us to alter forever the carefree attitude my kids had an hour ago. I know that people have a right to live wherever they wish, I just wish they didn't pick here. Across the street. Outside my kids' windows.

I am afraid. Not that this kid is going to come over and target my kids... well, maybe I am afraid of exactly that. It is just scary when someone whose boundaries, morals, and lines-to-stay-within are not anywhere near what "we" would consider normal or acceptable.

I spoke at length with the sheriff's officer that manages the sex offender registry, and the information the woman there gave me made me shudder. In particular, she was able to assure me that this kid is Bad News, and that a 13 year old on the online registry is an unheard of thing that He Earned Due To The Nature of The Crime. She could not give me any real details about his case, due to the law protecting the victim, but what she did share was upsetting.

In general, she shared these tidbits that might be something to think about for your own safety, information, and peace of mind.

She said that in this particular case she is actually not allowed to disclose many details, which is the law in place to protect a minor victim. She said you are always welcome to visit the police dept where the arrest took place and request a paper copy, but in many cases so much information is redacted to protect the victim.

She did say that it is rare for a minor to be made "web eligible" (his listing is all online), and this kid is web eligible for a very good reason. She said that in most cases of a minor assaulting a child, it is a younger family member who is involved, and that this was NOT the case here.

I asked her if this was a case of “a mature 13 year old boy misbehaving with his 13 year old girlfriend (and not actually a predatory situation)” and she said that it was certainly NOT a situation like that.

She said that this 13 year old offender should be treated with caution, and our children should be told he and his house are off limits.

She said that when you see someone on the registry site whose file is not “web eligible”, it could be for any number of reasons and is not an indicator of the seriousness of their crime.

She said that when you see someone in the registry who was convicted of “attempted” sex crimes, that is not to say they did not actually complete the act, it simply means that they were only *convicted* of the crime listed. Think about the judicial system in the USA and how people can accept a plea to a lesser charge, and be mindful of that.

Also, one of the (many) reasons why they do not release the details of sex abuse crimes online is because most of the time the crime is one of opportunity, in that when the victim is a little boy, that is not to say that all girls are safe. So, the best practice is to just keep every child away from a predator.

She said that when you see a new listing out there with no information in it at all, it is her way of notifying us that there is something happening in our area, but that the law limits what she can share with the public.

She suggested that from time to time you check the registry and the CBI website to stay abreast of when these people move OUT of your neighborhood. The CBI site is: www.cbi.state.co.us

The Douglas County Colorado Unified listing site is here. You can sign up to receive notifications for your area, and choose a radius of proximity when you do so. I imagine there are similar listings for other counties in Colorado... please look into yours.

A good day

2009-05-17T17:59:00.007-06:00

Life at our house is an exercise in doing your best. Especially, when it comes to cleaning, and keeping up on the household chores. Living in our house you learn to overlook the sink full of dirty dishes, step over and around (or even play in) the pile of unfolded laundry, and you make sure to look before you plop yourself down on the couch. Walking barefoot is something you do at your own risk on my floors because you know, intuitively, that there will be sandbox residue, crumbs, dust bunnies, writing implements, and possibly a matchbox car or two in your way. Don't even look in my car...

I never used to be this way. We never used to be this way. Back in the days before children we were still not perfect about folding laundry, but there was a lot less of it then. We were tidy, however, and seemed to have all the time in the world to get the house cleaned.

Even when my son was born, my anal-retentive side had all of his clothing laundered separately, folded in uniform piles of equal height and matching width, every single day. I relished the image of the tiny dresser loaded up, each drawer a Martha Stewart photo of cuteness and perfection.

Fast forward to present times, when we are now 4 children deep, and a lot of those little niggly things have fallen by the wayside. My house is usually a mess. Not dirty, just a wreck. Toys are everywhere, clothing lay where it falls, and the wood floors look a bit... shall we say, nubby?

Clothing is folded in haphazard piles, in the living room, organized by owner sometimes. The dishes from lunch are still on the table...

This morning my husband and I made a plan to get cracking on the house. We had a plan. We would start in the kitchen, he at the sink, me in the pantry, and we would get this place into ship shape. About an hour into our day of cleaning and organizing, the kitchen is clean, the pantry purged and organized, and tummies were looking for lunch.

So, we stop to get fed, get the kids dressed for a friend's birthday party this afternoon. Oh, and the gift shopping on the way... might as well get moving now.

Four hours later, the three younger ones and I are now home from the party. I was excited to get home and back into the cleaning project we made the big plan for today. I see my gleaming kitchen, smile that we got at least that far. I realize that it is dinner time.

I am resolved at this point that we've done all we can today. And I am grateful that it doesn't really matter all that much to me. The kids are running around with their balloons, they are totally spent after a completely full weekend. My husband is still out with my oldest son, and life is good.

The cleaning can totally wait...

Little birdies whispering in my ear...

2009-05-12T14:01:00.004-06:00

I don't believe in coincidence...

I woke up yesterday morning with the strangest and most pressing need to call the engraving company that handles the memorial tiles we install at the RTF Angel Memorial here in CO. I figured it was the universe giving me a nudge because something was going on with my current order for tiles. Worried, I sent an email as it was before office hours.

We have a butterfly release memorial event coming up on June 27, so there is a deadline in place, if self-imposed, to have everything installed prior to that day.

As I wrote the email to my contact at the engraver's office, I found myself asking 2 questions. 1 - will there be any trouble meeting the June 27 deadline, and 2 - is there any reason to suspect the tiles are going to be discontinued any time in the near future? Question #2 fell out of my brain at the minute... I wasn't even thinking about the stock.

We need a couple hundred tiles for our walls, but only order them as needed. There have been a couple dozen memorials ordered in the 18 months since the statue dedication, and so it will be some time before we have occupied all of the space on the two walls we have there.

I got a call this afternoon from my contact who said, "Funny that you called, I just got word from our distributor that your tile is being discontinued and they are off-loading all of their inventory. You will want to purchase the balance of your tiles and store them here, I think."

I am grabbing my tape measure and going tomorrow to calculate how many tiles we'd use.

*thank you* to the little birdie who gave me the nudge!!

Tuesday's Blog Party Giveaway - WINNER!

2009-05-12T07:44:00.007-06:00

Thank you to everyone who stopped by and entered my give-away! I have had a lot of fun making new blog friends and have already won one item myself! WAHOO! Thanks to you, we have raised over $2500.00 for Pediatric Cancer Research! How incredible is that when entries are all about $1. YOU ROCK... yes, YOU!

The item up for grabs was my faboo desk set basket in stripes and dots:

And the winning comment number is:

Which belongs to JESSICA over at Denekefamily:

Mother's Day is a state of the Heart...

2009-05-10T11:30:00.003-06:00

My daughter handed this to me today. In her non-linear way of writing she says: "Mother's Day is a handful of love that never ends."

This year, I am caught up in a reverie thinking about how much my view of this holiday has changed over the years. Images are arranging themselves across the timeline of my days. It is bittersweet to look back on how the meaning of this special day has been transformed by the events of my life.

As a young child, Mother's Day was always a fun holiday because there was not much to it. We did not have to go to church in observance of a holy day; being that my sisters and I went to Catholic school with obligatory mass attendance at times even during school, this was a nice break. Mother's Day meant getting dressed up and usually going to one of my aunt's homes for a family gathering and dinner. We would shower my mom with home-made cards and presents and listen to her share her greatest wish that we would all just get along with each other. Honoring my mother on Mother's Day as a child was a happy and simple thing.

As I grew into adulthood, Mother's Day became less of an event. I would buy my mother a card that spoke the words from my heart and usually write inside how grateful and thankful I was to have her as my favorite mother. I would bring her flowers or some other small present. We might have treated her to a special dinner out or cooked a meal for her at home. Honoring my mother on Mother's Day as an adult had become more about respect and a truer understanding of the day, but it was still happy and simple.

Over the years, I have experienced Mother's Day in many ways; gaining a mother when I married, remembering my mother after she died, and gaining a step-mother when my father remarried. But nothing has held my heart so much as when I was celebrating my status as a mother to be, or when I had to face my first Mother's Day as a bereaved mother. Remembering my daughter after she died and trying to feel like I qualified for the honor even though I was a childless mother on Mother's Day was when it all shifted. This light and happy day became complicated and sad.

Being honored as a mother in my own right was heartbreaking on that first Mother's Day after my daughter died. It was so completely different from how it was supposed to have been. I felt joy at being told to have a Happy Mother's Day by those who knew. She was gone only five months at that time and I remember feeling so desperate to be acknowledged as a mother, her mother. I also knew the disappointment and pain of being forgotten by others then. I began to feel like I actually did not qualify for the honor of being called Mother. Does her death disqualify me from this title? I feel like her mother...

A holiday that used to seem so harmless and safe is now the bearer of so many heavier things. It has become like just about every other holiday: bittersweet and complicated. In the years that followed my daughter's death, we have been blessed with wonderful living children. Mother's Day now hurts on a very different level. I am being honored for the mother that I am to the children that other people can see. Our dead daughter is rarely mentioned. Looking on, your eyes will show you my four children, but if you could see my heart you would find the one who we are missing. Each of us who have experienced the loss of our precious little ones understand that being a mother has little to do with having them here in our arms today.

also published at Rowan Tree Foundation.

Milk Weed Skirt GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-05-10T09:00:00.004-06:00

You have to go see this lovely skirt... handmade, and one of a kind, and lovely.

Milk Weed Skirt GIVEAWAY

Vision Boards

2009-05-07T22:36:00.006-06:00

You've heard of them... but have you done one yet?

I am a HUGE believer in visualization and manifesting your desires by putting things out there with intention. After months of feeling overwhelmed, overwrought, overtaxed, and just over it all, I decided to put my manifestation money where my mouth is and create my vision board.

Using my board, I have chosen a few areas of my life that I wish to spend more energy on:
(in no particular order)

writing. period. I have always been writing, but as most of you writers out there will know, it is hard to stay on task. (exxpecially with the so many distractions online... hello blog friends!) I have a book or two in my brain that are just aching to come out... and there is no time like the present.
fitness. I have made a commitment this year to stop putting this off. I named a lofty goal for myself to run in the BolderBoulder 10k this month (it seemed so far away when I made the choice...) The changes in my life and my body since I have been working out (I started with friends on Feb 20) have been really amazing. I am so proud of me and want to stay with it!
family time. Intentional, scheduled, family time. I have so many thoughts and visions of how we should be spending our time as a family, but life always seems to get in the way. I want to go camping again, I want to bake more like I used to, I want to go on a road trip this summer with my family.
rowan tree foundation - As many of you know, I am the founder of this organization that provides bereavement support to parents who lose children. I would like to grow our support this year, and need to simply focus more upon that. A longer term goal is to have a physical Rowan Tree Center, where we can hold workshops and meetings... but for now I would be really happy to fill my volunteer list with people who are dedicated to spreading the word and helping out with our events.
travel. I am not much for sightseeing, but I would love to spend more time going places. My vision board reflects word travel, but seeing the amazing country we live in would be an excellent way to begin.
simplicity. I need more of this in my life. With a hectic family life and a busy list of to dos (all choices I have made and things I want to do) I need to work harder to simplify and cut out the excess.
There are other misc items on here as well. My husband asked "where am I in all of this?" so I gave him a few inches of space ;) I also would like to find ways to make a little income off of my graphic design biz without doing any more websites (coins). I would like my home office to become more of a business center. (feng shui dictates purple and silver in this space for that as well as increasing intuitiveness.) I want to learn the cello, and I need to be kinder and gentler to myself (the crown), I would also like to work on remembering more things, and being more mindful of the things going on around me. I am very forgetful anymore (the ribbon).
The colors in the BG are red and silver. Red is my color, the one I am at home in and the one that I respond most powerfully to. Silver was chosen for the feng shui element of clarity and serenity.

What do you think? Do you have a vision board? I am eager to see how having this in my view daily will help me manifest more of what I want in my life. If you've done one, I want to see it!

Special Moments

2009-05-07T20:22:00.006-06:00

Looking through pictures this afternoon, I found this one from Easter:

My son Liam has a fever today, and is not himself at all. Nothing worse than having a sick little one and mama can't make it better. Hugs are too hot, clothing is too hot. A cool bath is no fun alone... poor guy.

The Brass Hussy GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-05-06T22:46:00.001-06:00

The Brass Hussy GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

$1 Contests - Tuesday Blog Party

2009-05-04T00:01:00.006-06:00

PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD - HELP RAISE MONEY FOR PEDIATRIC CANCER RESEARCH!

From now until May 12th, I am holding this give-away to help benefit the Tuesday Fiona Whitt Foundation.

Tuesday was the beautiful twin daughter of my friend Jessica Kate who bravely fought and sadly lost her 8 month battle with stage 4 neuroblastoma in January of this year.

I am proud to be a part of this year's annual blog party to help raise funds to fight pediatric cancer, specifically neuroblastoma, as it is the least funded of ALL cancers yet one of the most fatal :(

The item I am auctioning off is this fabulous "desk set" dots and stripes basket of goodies:

This coffee brown wicker basket is lined with chocolate brown fabric, is approx 12.5" wide and contains: a matching set 19-month dated planner (ending Dec 2009), top-flip lined notebook (5x8"), and spiral lined notebook (5x7"), set of 6 eye-candy magnets, set of 4 stick-on flags (50 sheets each), a cute box of 150 note papers (4x4"), 2 ball-point pens (one dots, and one stripes), a set of 8 matching dots and stripes pencils, two large magnetic clips (with adhesive strips for mounting if you wish), an Empire Green Soy candle in chunky glass lidded jar, Green Apple scent, and a pink "hope" dangle for hanging in your office.

Retail value: $45.00 yours for $1 per entry!

It's easy as pie:

All you have to do to enter to win this auction is simply leave me a comment on this post letting me know you are interested in winning this awesome basket and then, be sure to donate $1 to the Tuesday Fiona Whitt Foundation.
It costs $1 per entry and your donations are good for all the auctions going on! If you end up donating $10, but only find 5 auctions you are interested in, you can use those additional dollars as additional entries :)
FOLLOW MY BLOG and you get another entry, simply follow and then add another comment. :)

So, head on over to the Tuesday Blog Party to see what other fantastic items are being auctioned off by clicking the image below:

There are lots of great auctions going on and all it costs is one dollar to enter each one. If you would like to make one donation, instead of many individual donations, please feel free to donate however is easiest for you.

Thank you so much for supporting a great cause and remember to have fun!

Good luck!

IMPORTANT DETAILS:
The winner of this auction will be selected using random.org to choose a comment number. FREE SHIPPING in the continental USA. Shipping to other locations outside the continental USA will be the responsibility of the winner.

Never say never!

2009-04-29T22:00:00.009-06:00

So, back in September, I posted here about a memory book I was creating for Rowan through Heritage Makers with my friend Jeri. I did an 8x8 text book all about Rowan. It came out beautifully, beyond my wildest expectations.

Now I am hooked! I have thousands of digital pictures of the kids, and Jeri gave me the awesome idea of printing single pages and framing them instead of creating themed books all the time. This way, I could make new ones to update the frames and then store the old pages in a scrapbook for posterity - all without breaking the bank (2.49 per page).

To illustrate, Jeri made this one for me with two pictures I took of Rory being a flower girl in her Aunt's wedding. One of the images is of the flowers, and the other is her nibs in her finery:

This is an 8"x8" square photo, and I cannot wait to hang this in her room! I love the idea of her seeing this every day, remembering so many things that we did on that day, and on that trip to NY.

And now all 4 of them have a page from these trips as well:

Check out Jeri's stuff at YourStoriesYourWay.com She does workshops to help you get ideas and she even has a service where she does it all FOR you! But one of the coolest is the super scanner events where you can bring prints and she has this mac-daddy super fast scanner and she will give them to you on a stick drive for pennies per!

Scrapbooking is really not my thing. Digital scrapbooking sounds really odd, but being digital in nature was closer to my alley. Watch out... we got lots of empty wall space around here. :)

Now, to locate a 10x10 or 12x12 frame source...

In the Instant

2009-04-25T11:53:00.017-06:00

"Life changes in the instant" - Joan Didion in her book The Year of Magical Thinking
Please pardon me for being imprecise about dates, I can remember things as they relate to other events, but am not very good with exact dates.

In January 1994 Mike and I were living outside of NYC in a little town on the Hudson called Dobbs Ferry. That day we were having one of those nasty East Coast snow/sleet storms, and everything was coated with ice. We were holed up in our apartment with our dog, watching movies. Late that evening the phone rang. It was my mother,

"Cori, they found a baseball sized tumor behind Lee's eye and he is going in for surgery. He might not make it out. You need to get here," speaking with the cold clinical speech that comes after telling a horrible medical story over and again.

Lee is my brother-in-law, who was in his late 20's at the time (forgive me, I cannot recall exactly his age). Numb with shock, I got on the phone and booked a ticket to Denver. I arrived in time to see Lee waking up from his surgery. I squeezed his toes and I remember him smiling at me and hoarsely croaking, "What are you doing here?" I remember how the doctors were glad to see that; his awareness of me not belonging there was an excellent sign after his perilous brain surgery.

Lee was in the hospital for a few more days. He was released on his birthday in early February with a terminal diagnosis and six months to live. I have never seen so many people that I knew in one place with such swollen eyes unable to cry anymore.

Even before he got sick, Lee was one of those guys who you felt truly blessed to know. Upbeat, always able to see the bright side, gorgeous, hysterically funny, bright, and someone who would hang out doing nothing all day without the need to fill the gaps. He had a motto, "Always make the best of every situation." He was the big brother you all have always wished for. When he married my sister it felt so good to call him brother!

When they were first dating, Lee lived across the bridge in NJ with his family. My sisters and I still lived at home. Lee would come home on the train from the city with my sister and me and borrow some sweats from my dad and hang out for mom-cooked dinner and movies and games until it was time to drive home.

When I started dating Mike in 1991, he too would come home with me on the train for family dinner and hanging out. Lee would boast that that particular outfit of sweats from my dad that Mike was wearing used to be "his", and he would sagely give Mike pointers about Mr. Carr, and how to be a boyfriend to one of the Carr girls. It was an incredibly fun and happy time.

One of the things that was especially fun about life at our house was games. My mother loved to play games. Scrabble was one she and I played daily. Pictionary and Trivial Pursuit were group favorites. We would laugh and laugh through the hilarity of Pictionary. We are a competitive crew!

Lee liked to doodle often. His trademark doodles were Bill the Cat and Opus. You would find them all over the place and it was his personal "Lee was here" mark. I found Bill the cat scribbled into the final pages of the books I read, on a postie note in the car, on the newspapers that were left around, and even on the bathroom mirror in lipstick more than once.

In Feb 1998, my mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. She died that winter, on December 4th. Lee was in his 4th year battling brain cancer and was smiling daily and teaching us all about the power of positive thinking. He had already beat the odds. In 1999 Mike and I had been engaged for about 6 months when we found out I was pregnant. Our wedding was in Aug 1999.

Lee couldn't make it to the wedding. He died shortly afterward in September 1999. Losing my mom and Lee in the space of a year was... dark. A light in the world had been extinguished. There is no other way to describe the loss of beautiful Lee. In the two of them we had lost a huge part of the glue that was holding our family together.

That winter, Mike and I were expecting our baby to arrive. After this horrendous year of grief and pain, and the terrible emptiness that followed the loss of my mom and Lee, everyone was looking forward to the birth of our child with such hope. A closing of the chapter of sadness and the start of something new. As many of you already know, our daughter lived for only a day.

So much has changed in the decade since these events. Good, bad, and ugly... life has traveled down such a crazy path, so different than the one we were all on back then.

Last night Mike and I had some friends over for dinner. We settled the kids down for a movie and I broke out my mom's old Pictionary game. It was covered in dust, and had not been used in over 10 years.

Imagine the burst of joy in my heart when I opened the card box and saw this:

Tuesday's Blog Party

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Many of you who know me will likely already know or know of the Whitt family, and their twin daughter Tuesday whose 8 month battle with cancer ended tragically on January 30, 2009. I've only recently met Jessica, although I had followed her blog about Tuesday for many weeks in the hope of a miracle that did not come.

In honor of their daughter, there now exists the Tuesday Fiona Whitt Foundation, raising money for Pediatric Cancer Research.

Join me here May 5-12 and take part in the Blog Party to raise money for research! I will have an item up for auction here on my blog, and you'll be able to bid on it for a cause.

More to come...